April 15, 2005

Acidophilus and Coriander

The immortal "bard" churned out a lot of crap, most of which I happily forgot even before the exam. The greatest of his lost works is the tragedy of Acidophilus and Coriander.

Act I, Scene i opens in a forest. Two courtiers, Punctillio and Braggadocio, enter, accompanied by Acidophilus, a huntsman. Coarse, tipsy Braggadocio mentions that they hunt clowns "for the Duke our master's table", and then taunts stuffy Punctillio about his manhood, playing broadly on Punctillio's name. Punctillio angrily demands satisfaction. Before they can fight, a clown appears:

BRAG: A clown, forsooth! I'll scrag him in a trice!
The victor in our spat will crunch his bones!
PUNCT: "Shall crunch..."
BRAG:                         What ho, sir clown! Twitch not thy nose!
CLOWN menaces BRAGGADOCIO
BRAG: Thy whitened weasand...
CLOWN: [Ominously]         GLURP DRUB BRUBBLE GLEP!
HOR GORGLE!
BRAG: [Disoriented]     Whitened... what?
PUNCT: [Alarmed]                         I...
BRAG: [Cries]                                     No!
CLOWN: [In triumph]                                 OOK!
BRAG: [Devoured by CLOWN]                               AARRGGHH...!

Punctillio exits, pursued by the obvious, leaving the huntsman to his fate. When he arrives back at the (ominously unnamed) Duke's palace, breathless and in terror, nobody believes his story. However, the clown soon arrives at the palace, bearing the huntsman's blood-smeared jerkin. Punctillio is impaled for his cowardice, leaving desolate his betrothed, Coriander. The clown proceeds to romance Coriander for the remainder of the play; in the end, as she agrees to marry him, the clown is found to be the huntsman, alive by a miracle and only posing as the clown. Further revelations reveal that the clown (the real clown) is in fact the King, Coriander is the Duke, the Duke's wife is both the King (the real King) and another King (also posing as a clown, but a different clown), and Braggadocio was a real clown posing as a courtier. A bloodbath ensues, with the star-crossed lovers murdering each other by means of a flaming shower of gold.

The tragedy ends on an elegiac note with the clown's haunting soliloquy:

CLOWN: OOK? OOK! OOK! OOK? OOK! OOK? OOK. OOK! OOK. OOK.
OOK? OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK.
OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK! OOK? OOK? OOK. OOK.
OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK. OOK? OOK!

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Comments:

"CLOWN: [Ominously] GLURP DRUB BRUBBLE GLEP!
HOR GORGLE!"

Fuck me. You'd have to be possessed by Olivier's ghost to say that ominously. Probably not that difficult for the next actor to sound disorientated though.
 
Bogol, you forgot you can't spel.
 
ewerd - teh clowen was playd by the greta rihcerd brubage who was up to hte chalange. but yeh in ur avarage hischoal praduction they're's usuly some gigalin at taht pniot if not outriaght halarety.

odray - erm. erh. i um. heh heh. uhhh. speling? waht spelang? teahese arenot the droads ur lokin for. u are getign vary sleapy! sleeeeapy!
 
Shakespeare couldn't spell either, so presumably his and Bogol's orthographical idiosyncracies cancelled each other out.
 
In any case, few tales of star-crossed hearts can match the poetic simplicity of the story of Martha and Clive.
 
Fuck. Loads of people used to call me Ewerd at school. Got right on my tits.

Anyway, you're right: the material here is far too sophisticated for bastard schoolchildren.
 
edwrodd - sory!

phialup - webl! wa hoo! ok! home of teh imortal tribute to kenya! onaly in kenya! onely in kenya!
 
lions! tigers!

onley in kenya!
 
That's alright, good sir.
 
Butt..hu gut bregnand? 'f dere vas a blaming sower uv golt, zumwon givz burp too a hero in de seaquill.
Ford.
 
ms gomaz i baliave ur mistekan. seaguills dont give brith to liave yuong. they put em in litl bals an than they pop out. i cant see why tehy boather but what teh heck its a frea contry.
 
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