April 03, 2006

What is the reason for monkeys? I do not know.

I must ask poor Arlington to add a link in the window margin to Topic Drift.

Because the angry means success. Because Cola Head puts on his nicest denim overalls and dusts the candy brick. Because Denise Huxtable chill[s] us to the marrow with her relentless, unprovoked dancing.


Reeling still from the mortifying incident after lunch, for which I did apologize quite abjectly — and Giles was very kind, which somehow only made it worse — I searched for articles about raw garlic making one lightheaded and perhaps a little... you know. But all I found was this:

Perhaps avoiding frank discussion of bowel movements is one secret of a long-lasting relationship.

Perhaps that was my mistake.


Comments closed due to recurring comment spam on the colon theme from some stinking, shit-rolling imbecile that calls itself "Rik Martin".

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I really don't see how authentic relationships can last in the long run if they're not based on complete honesty. And many things fall within the range of that generous notion, intestinal transit being just one of them. But, unsurprisingly, the unreconstructed lefties at the 'Guardian' advise us to lie to each other for the supposed sake of interpersonal harmony resting on the shaky foundations of hypocrisy. Systematic lying, of course, is one of the things a Commie does best.
Did You Know? We all have aliens inside us:

Judging from those pictures, what gets eliminated with the Colon Cleansing Kit is the colon itself.
In one picture, it looks like the spinal column.
"...the Colonblow 3-Pack is a great way to Colonblow with your friends..."

That's very sweet, don't you think? And I know just the friends I would invite!

Desargues, you are quite right. Have you ever seen Polly Toynbee drink a glass of water? The implications are clear.

Audrey, they have two flavors, ginger and peppermint! I would prefer ginger. Ginger is very healing for the chakras.
I would prefer Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Actually, I'm quite tempted, seriously. It must be nice lying on a beach in Thailand having warm minty water squirted up your bum, and then taking photos of the monsters that emerge, and then scampering off all clean and free and energised.

I must ask that Twenty Major if he'll accompany me. He must be about 100% toxin by now. It wouldn't surprise me if he gave birth to a crocodile.
"...having warm minty water squirted up your bum..."

I'm afraid the mintiness gets all wasted if it's consumed through the wrong end of the digestive tract. True, there is some analogy between the mouth and the anus--hence the American idiom 'to talk out of one's ass.' But the analogy is of limited value; we haven't been blessed with the presence of taste buds in the rectal area (fortunately, I should say).

The people behind the site that advertises industrial-grade colon cleansing say their claims are based on merely observational evidence. That sounds suspect. I'm reminded of people who claim to have seen witches, the Antichrist, and green little men coming out of shiny, elongated flying objects.
Desargues, a mouth may not be an anus (and thank goodness for that), but it is possible to give someone a blowjob with your bottom. Believe me, I know.

Noreen, Twenty Major says he has other plans for next weekend. Would you and Ball Bag care to accompany me and Mr. Hawtrey on a flying visit to Thailand? I am sure your nether regions are as pure as the driven snow, but I have no doubt that the scrotumy fella is in need of some rigorous internal sandblasting. You could post the photos here when we get back.
Heh. So is the good doctoress Noreen's less foul-mouthed twin? Or is she Noreen in between acute fits of Celtic chlorocholy?
And, Audrey, I'm afraid I must have to trust your expertise on the topic of... um... alternative blowjobs. I'm afraid I can't contribute anything of relevance to the topic. As it happens, I've always been on the receiving end of that joyous activity.
Helen is not Noreen.
Oh, I see. Anonymous says it, so it must be true.
Course she bloody is.
I do beg your pardon; Helen is not Noreen. I was hallucinating after a cream sherry enema.

Anyway, Ball Bag and Noreen have now agreed to accompany me and Mr. Hawtrey to Ko Samui for a seven day mint-and-ginger blow-out. Perhaps Helen and Bogol would care to join the party?
Seven days of mildly corrosive mint enemas--that sounds like an almost literal blast. I'd stop when I see the first liver fragment coming out of my ass.

But hey, it's a free Western world. You guys could be Britain's answer to America's Botox parties--exotic mint enema parties. Reinforce that reputation you've developed as skillful toilet humorists.
Thank you for reminding me of Topic Drift. My mind wandered away from it several months ago and never wandered back.
With regards to the iconology of Cola Head: I think that it can only be properly read against the encoded messages in the Fruity Oaty Bar commercial:


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