The Telegraph has kindly printed my rather insightful input on a very sad story about America (you will have to scroll down, I'm afraid). It seems that an American woman mistook the sound of rising dough for a gunshot, and spent several hours with her hands on the back of her head, "holding her brains in". But of course she was quite uninjured.

Objective, factual reporting of this kind of thing is unknown in America. We may assume that when the story was reported there, it was sensationalized all out of recognition, and inspired widespread fear of dough. That is how they control their public. But can we not help? It is the decent thing to do. And so I ask you all, each and every one of you, to tell one American that dough, is not dangerous, or frightening, and that it cannot hurt them. Reassure them. Calm their fears. You will have done your good deed for the day.

Update

This is an American. Perhaps the very greatest of them all. They desperately need our help.

"If there is one thing I am, it's always right." — Ted Nugent

nobody gives a crap waht i thinkn abouot staroelab!

uppdaaate1!

bonas kiler sterioalb fact! mary hansan was astraealion! no wondar she wasn familiar with automabiles.

upapdpddateee!

1. dude!

2. nooooooo... (scorl down — its a calvalcade of horors!) an worse yet.

   'reunite'? half the band is dead! wtf? jimy honymanscott cuoulda filed in for thundards. excep hes dead too. infact he died first. bastard!

3. looklook its funy bcause their french! get it? french! fyunny! an dislexic.

so heres whaere im at!

just fuond uout the stereolabs have a new rekid out an went to lisen to the clips an on about clip five i relized that a) yep its a sterealab recrod alright an b) it suonds just liek the last one i bot.

i mean yah it alsounds quite nice but can sombody explaain why they bothard making yet anothar?

uuuuupdate!

turns out theyve made a buncha reckards i didn know about since mary died. go figure. teh last one was caled 'margerine eclipse'. dude man there in there fat-elvis selfparody stage.

othar updat!

in othar peoplewhosoundnotaltogetherunlikestereolab news call an rasponse has relesed 'nervous wreck' on a cd. well why didn anybodddy tel me damn you? (p.s. they suck now).

think agian. (via).

the wrrotst part is they do in absalute sialence! they cuold be stalkingn you evan now. theres just no way to be sure. if youve nevar been pursued by bats you may well lauhagh but balieve me itll chil ur very marrow. cause most of us whan we walk aruoun dof course were keping a eye out for bats but where are you lookign? up in the air thats whe're. cause you tink you know whats what. but theyll hityou low where you least expect it! and they hunt in packs.

the only warnign youl get is a tiny litle highpitched snickering. an then wham! your a goner! thats all she wrote! hank knew. he knew a lot about life ol hank did. yep. aint nothing but three chords an the truth.

uupdate!

in teh comants iven the terable sugests puting cowbels on em so u can hear em comign. hes obviously dosn have the nerve to say 'who wil bell teh bat?' imslef so hes tryina goad somboddy else inta it. well ok! nevar let it be said im not easyly goaded.

so teh five secand rule is valid! sience proves it!

always knew id be vindacaated. they say it dosn work for stickky foods but just be tween u an me there wrpmg abipt that one. well i mean ok it dapens on what u got growing on ur floor but theres room to manuver at least. poepol are too picky.

im totaly gona print that atricle out an bring it next time i go on a date!

'eew' my ass honey! science says ur wrong!

gastarapods! heh heh. heh he heh.

fossil	dinasaur

Masiakasaurus knopfleri! sombody named a dinosar aftar mark knofplar. dont ask me why. i just work here.

btw dinsours wernt lizards at all. moare like birds. warmbloddad in all liklihood. at pres time the features of mark nofflers metabalism was unclear.

an divil a sign of improvmant.

here we got 'natoinel bolshelviks' martching in rusia for victory-in- great-patirotiic-war day. clerer view of theh flags in this one. yes thye look like waht you think they do.

they do relize who thteyre celebarating wining taht war against right?

teh cutie on the left wuldn lose much if she lost teh armband i think. biut u know how women are. all yuo can say is 'u look great honey' an leave it at that. i definitly go for her ovar blondie to her left (ha ha 'left' getit getet?) in the red shirt though.

h/t furrin polacy with thanks for injectign a litle despair into my afternoon. htsoe picthars are just one damn dismal thign aftar anothar. theive even got stalanists. i thout they were confined to the u.k. these days.

am in the onyl one aruondn here who 'gets' this tshirt?

netthack is a charctermode video game datign from 1987. it runs on greenscreen terminals a.k.a. dumbterminels. in college i useta stay in teh terminalroom all night palyign that game. nerly flunked out. knew anothar guy who did flunk out. he stayed aruond the termroom anyway thouugh an he got to smelin prety bad aftar a few weeks. no no its not waht ur thinking! he was stil breathing. taht was teh worst part infact.

good times!

dude im gona totly buy that shirt man.

teh atsign ('@') is you. the 'r's are rats i thikn. not sure waht '$' was. probly a snake? no clue about '!' an '<'. pound signs are halways of cuorse.

"My GPA just went in the corner and shot itself." Some poor schmuck who just bilged his Operating Systems final, yesterday.

# ------.------ |.!.........| |.......<...| |....@......| |.$......r..| |.........rr.##### -------------

update!

omfg! all tihs crap is via lore sjöberg by the way.

...puled her throughg her living years.'

grant mclennan is gone. hewas 48. jesus.

what a damn shame. hel be mised.

via tim blare.