March 29, 2006

The Thing

Dear, dear readers, I have begun, designing the Thing!

It will be a lovely, lovely Thing, guided by radio. It will loom above you, and you will flee.


March 22, 2006

spmam of teh week


Shipping is done through UPS preferred but I will also ship with USPS, Fedex or Airborne Express. Their is NO GUARANTEE on the reptile if shipped with anyone else besides UPS. I guarantee live arrival with 100% satisfaction as long as the shipping company arrives on schedule and someone is there to sign for the packag.

March 20, 2006

baranan rapubiklkc

i wuld like to start a club. it wuold be a club whe're u go into banananana rapualic an punch people.

March 19, 2006

Why you should not smirk

I read once about a smug, sniggering young man who would walk up to people and say, "I just bought real estate in your head", and smirk. He thought he was very clever, that he could startle people, into admitting that he existed. He must have been a hippie.

I would like to meet that young man. I would like him to try that line on me. I would laugh along with the joke good-naturedly. Then I would startle him, by breaking his jaw. Finally, although I am usually quite well-behaved, I would kick him in the testicles.

That is all.

March 18, 2006

hlep for teh gromles

gormless adj. Lacking intelligence and vitality; dull.

Etymology: From dialectal gawm, sense, from Middle English gome, notice, from Old Norse gaumr.


went to ikea tody. kindna crepy. u wlak aruond and arouund aimlasly but u mnust be going whare they wnat u to because u nevar see the same thing twice until u strart ovar. an than u see teh same thingns in exacly teh same ordar. once i triad to go back but the're is no goign back. i was sweapt onward in a rivar of hipsters. hows taht for aimles? i have nevar seen so many rectaguler blackframed eyeglases in al my life. im gona be waiking up in a cold swaet for weekis.

startad thinknign all theem hipstars wuold spawn an die whan they redched the cgheckouts.

so anyway i was gona buy a deskchari but than i got to teh place hwere the boxes are an it was to big for my car. culda mabe wedged int in teh trunk with bungecords but than i remebard the trunks still fula bags a sand for tractoin in the snow. argh. bastard. dint wana dump em out in teh parking lot.

it was than taht i saw teh gorm. wihc clerly was just what id been misign all day. but it was too late.

hjowevar i did buy a fügli an a snött. danmed if i know hwat they are but they sure do look good!


amost frogot! theres was also sorta afectleslooking poeople wiht urpoean acents an lethar pants. leathar pants! i kid u not! buncha freaks.

anetharo update!

tahts 'pants' as in 'truosars' for al teh pervy brits in teh odiance.

March 17, 2006

vender truouble

who is this asshole?

this box came and there was this contextfree asshole on it. theres no caption explaining who he is. hes just a asshole on the box for no good reson. so i caled the vendor and siad 'this product is unaceptable. its got a asshole. a smug one'. an theyw erelike 'huh?' so i siad 'no seriously ive gtot teh purcaase order right here and we ordard the dvd writar alright but theres no mention of a ashsole'.

so they go like 'sir im goina hafta termanate this call. ive iformaed my suparviser that ur beign abusiave.' so im like 'my ass im beign fucking abusive. i ask a suimpal qeustsoin an ur like all hostal. what gives? is tihs how u treat custoamars? u think ur goina build a busness this way? firts u send us a asshoale we didn orde r an than not only wont u admit it hapand but ur actign like im teh unresoneble one.'

somwher during that spech she hugn up.

so i sent em teh unit back. wiht a dead rat in the box.


briso has ben subjectad to a similer horer! is thare no ascape?!

March 15, 2006

stupad qestoin

juts saw a bumpar stickar that said 'waht wuold buddha do?'

uhh... not a whoale helofa lot?


March 12, 2006

sharungkan hedas!

wel ive been thignkign about shrunkan heds all day. as big bil broonzy use to say "i woke up teihs moringing wiht shurnkna heads on my mind".

teh dyaks in borneo useta smoke em. i mean in the sense like youd smoke a salmen not like you smoake a ciggerete. their whole aconemy was moare a less shrunkan-head-based. suonds like itd be inflationery but shrunen heads arent as durable as youd think so it wasn too bad. also they perodicly had epademics an shrunken heads we're no goud if the orignal ownar just got sick an died. so u miaght say cholera was sortsa the alan greenspan of borneo.

but so teh thing is its just rely fun too walk around sayin to urself 'shrunken heads... shurunkan haeads... heh heh... heh heh heh...' poeople wondar why ur smirkign. but ur like 'heh heh heh fuck em. they dont know abuot the heads.'

im telin ya man you wana get in this shrukan hed thing on teh ground floor. youl wont regret it.


erader seanh bruigns to uor atention teh shurunaken head emporiam of ecudoar! their havin a "Stock Head Blowout Sale!!" wiht two exlamatoin points!

March 06, 2006

ha! tajke that!

if taht lazy pom hutten can post poams surely iud betray my inbron yanke inganuty not to shamlesly folla suit. so ere e is! "tehf avorate of all mancaster" john coper clarlckle!

The fucking view is fucking vile
For fucking miles and fucking miles
The fucking babies fucking cry
The fucking flowers fucking die
The fucking food is fucking muck
The fucking drains are fucking fucked
The colour scheme is fucking brown
Everywhere in chicken town

fucking read teh whoale fucking thing. some scery storys ovar they're too. kindna stuf lovcarft usta do but wihtout teh squds. which lets face it i nevar did figare that part out with ol h.p. whats his deal? sqiuds are darn hard nott ta like. their inteligeant an clean an afectioinate. waht moare do u want in a pet? obvoiusly h.p. hovarcraft nevar dozed of with a nice wram squid curld up on is legs.


wel not a gient squidt. be relistic.

March 01, 2006

it al bagins to make sence

alfinas got vegeies on er mnind. wel heres waht neitszhchzse had ta say abuot it

"...[the caste system] had no other means for keeping [the common ruck] from being dangerous, for making him weak, than to make him sick... The third edict, for example (Avadana-Sastra I), 'on impure vegetables,' ordains that the only nourishment permitted to the chandala shall be garlic and onions..."

Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, trans. Walter Kaufmann

now mind u i havnt teh fantest idea how acurate ol ferdrichs grasp a history was.

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