March 30, 2005

kilar fact!

sergy rachmaninov had enormuos hands. thats what druv him to a life of criame.

p.s. movign house tomoara. might be away a few days.

March 29, 2005

'coffee tee or me?'

i awys wantad a broad to say taht to me so i culd look sorta blank an say 'uhhh... coffee please'.

but inswted tehy jsut cal teh palice.


our esteamd reder jef sais 'sumone onze asket Kipling if he liket Feilding and he sed, I downt no Ive naver plade criket.' i awys thogt kipalin caled him a 'naughty boy' whan he siad taht but my memarys not good.

kiler old joak!

a millihelen is a amont of baeuty suficient to luanch one ship.


should footnoate that. bad form not to. eurk! oops. foldocs a cool resource btw. fun stuf!

March 28, 2005


is their a noun in english that suonds moare like it otta have movign parts? but it dosnt. its jsut a pece a flimsy crap! man tahts anoyign.

yeh wel it frist apered in print in 1658 an i dont thigkn moaving parts we're inventad yet back than. so i gues that expalians it.

March 27, 2005

jsut liek juan fangio

so i go out tihs moaraning to driave my car. suny wram day! gona put teh top down an break teh spead limit! rosso corso! hurah! but it wont start. teh baterys ded as a cabage.

so i walk to a couple a gast statins an they wont gime a jump. so i cal a towtruck servace. now u got a undarstadn that in boston u get towad an avarage of about once a day. towtruacks are thick as flies here teh bastards. wel i hada call about fiftean of em befoare one wuld come out. takes him half a hour but finely he showas up an jumps teh car an thats fifty bucks cash please thankuvarymuch.

so he drivas off an i get im my car an pul away form teh curb. on a hil facign upwerd at abot 15 dagres. an stal teh f*(#@$%*$% car. whit teh widnow opan. a electrac widnow.

god. damn. it.

March 26, 2005

nmy haiare

it wont stop groawing. it growas an grows. i get it cut an it dont stay cut.

u want dispair? isat what u wnat? try getign a hairecut evary month or two for htirtyodd years an it still aint took yet.

fuck yuo hair.

March 17, 2005

st. padrics day

robert mugabe mugabe: 'begorrah! this feckin lager is shite!'

wel swizle me lepracans! its taht time o' year agian.

hears teh thing. u run inta people in amareca who cal thamselvs 'irish' an its mosly crap. i mean theseare ppl wose ansesters fled teh famine in 1849. at this piont theare about as irish as bob mugabe. its a lota sentamentel crap. but hey its harmlas.

so tharefore: amarican irishmen are fruads. an irish irashmen are evan more irish then they are. tharefore teh latter are even moar fraudalent. i mean teh simple fact that they live in iareland is prety damning in itself. tlak about tryign too hard! so why teh hell dont they just cut it out an drop teh phony acent an talk americen like a nomral damn irishmen? eh?


whats 'bagorra' sapsoed to mean anyway? its not evan a wrod! who are they tryign to kid?

March 16, 2005

kill teh wabbit kill hte wabet...

natinel lapmoun did it frist i gues but its stil funy.

ok mabe for real limitad values of 'funy'. but hey. im shrot of materiel.


readar agamamamamamamon darects us to the wodnarful buny suiciades!

update 2!

rigaght. i still nead a ginger shrreddar. er whatevar u callem.

update 3!

fixed teh link to argamaman. turns out 'href' dosnt have a 'a' in it. who knew?

March 15, 2005

bugs an whatnot

i sawr a lizid. it was greean an scailey.

but it was jsut a real lizad tho.

March 12, 2005

the man who culd talk to umbarelas

i usd to knoawe a guy who discoavard taht he culd tlak to ombarellas. it came on all of a suden on a riany day. he was walkin dwon teh streat an he herd them talklin to ech othar an yelin at the ppl carying em: 'watch out u bunghoal dont wack me inta taht fat guy!' etc.

so he strated tlakin to em an getin theyre storeis. he siad mosly they we're resignd to there fate but a few here an theire yerrned for fredom an wuld stop at nothign to acheive it. life is brief an harsh for umberalas but they share a certain austere cameradery. aftar bad windstroms tehy wept for they're falen brothers.

ultimatly my frenid disapered. his boddy was nevar found.

they musta figurd he knew too much.

free the lobstars!

sterange doigns ovar at litl man waht now.

teh nub of hte gist is as folows:

A good wholesome demo this afternoon spent educating the public about the suffering caused by humans to these majestic ocean animals.

emphesis mine.

animel riaghts ppl are such a easy target its hardly fair to knock em aroun. its like shoatin lobatars in a baral! but... 'majetstic'?!

by the way juia chlid says u can sevar a lobstars spinel column whit a knife imeditely befoar throwin im in teh pot an it wont harm the taste a bit. i mean queite frankly i dont relish teh thought of boilin one of em aliev myself evan if it is just a big ol bug. id do it in selfdafense if i hadda but not in cold blood.

March 10, 2005

in a nutshel

'visio does moar then milten can
to jutsify gods ways too man.'


our reder rob comants:

I am looking at him every 5 minutes or so to collapse him in and out of his superposition. I wanna see if it gives him a headache.

ok fine i know ur lookin kinda sideways at ol rob there but if you got taht joak youd be shotin milk out ur nose i swear it!

err... wha?

cortesy of teh generaly incompahensable in principio erat verbum we briang u teh spacificaly incomparehensibal mcdolands broad.

March 08, 2005

'its not unusuel...'

moamar quadafi tom joanes

ive bean unable to confrim reprots of teh garundian's poly toyanbe tharowign her panties at mr. gadafi.

March 07, 2005

to good to check

ovar at chaste my ladies bystnadar form teh law west of eeling brodwy claims that 'one person in 28 is a [Jehova's] Witness' on st. helena.

but he frogets to noat that theres only 14 ppl thare. so somebody has to switch off on oddnumbered days.

bonus kiler fact!

st. helanas nationel antham was writan by someboddy nicknamed 'old saddlebags'.

killer fcat!

sharpnel was iventad by leftenent henry shrapnel in 1783. its not teh same thing as shel fargmants.

March 06, 2005

'teh back of the anvelope'

a kudzu in its natorel habetat. engineer sold separately.

if u tlak to geky poeple soner or later they alwys strat muterin about 'bakc of teh anvalope claulationjs' or whatevar. wel i thikn i figured out what their tlakin abot!

u see a anvalope is liiek a hart er a kudzu er whatever. so whet tehy mean is the kind of clacuation u culd do whial on the back of a anvelope. implyign tahat its hard to concentraete while ur bouncin over teh veldt tryringn to hang on.

March 03, 2005

heeare... of...

tihs rusin guy here jsut wlaked by my desk on his way hoam an siad 'no moaar... of se hyeeare. hyeeare. of de troan.' whit a big smile. i was totly parplexd so i just grind an said 'cool!'

taht seemed to satisafy him so i gues its ok.


March 02, 2005

a random whelk dwon wlal streat

"...both the knobbed whelk and the lightning whelk have knobs on the edge of each whorl...

makes u think dunit?

an in a ohtar gripping whelk davelopmant...

"Why do crows not give up and search for a new whelk if a particular one does not break readily?"

truns ott teh crowas arnt so dumb! youl hafta scoroll down a bit to "foraging techniques of the Canadian northwestern crows".

moar rufus thomas covarage tomorrow!


so whan i walk into teh stoare an buy just one head of garlric they alwys ask me if i wnat a bag. wel usuly no ill just put it in my pockat. but i aways say 'er no thanks ill just et it on teh way home'. er if its oliveoil i say ill drikn it.

u wuldnt balieve how much milage i get outa taht joak. they nevar luagh tho. thats probaly because im the 900th a-hole theyve sold crap to taht day an they arent payign much atention. thares anothar thery which is taht they dont lauhg because its moronic an its not funy. but that sems a bit farfetched.

by coancidenace emskio ovar at evarythign revwiewed is concernad abot packeging today also.


helo? helo? is tihs thign on? anyone? anyone? beular?

March 01, 2005

mr. hrblrblr

aftar teh clowan et my folks, they put me in a orphenage.

at teh orphanege we had schol which was ok acept for mr. hrblrblrs class. i liked him but he was real old. hed just sit at his deks kinda lened ovar an talk stedy for teh whoal class but he was so quiat noboddy knew whgat he siad. just a 'mrr mrr nmbl' sound if u sat up fromt. he nevar loked up ether. wed wlak in an hed be muterin alredy and hed still be at it whan the bel wrang an we left. the kids wuld ask to go to the batharoom but they culdnt get his atention so nobbody cuold go. so aftar a whial youd start hearign 'drip... drip... drip...'.

the onyl time mr. hrblrblr wuld moave was evary week or two hed sudnaly make a litl crekin niose like a dor an len ovar a litle farthar. by april his nose was tuchin teh desk.

than one day we walkad in an his lips wernt moving. a few days latar the room startad smelin real bad but aftar a whial it was ok agian. we kept havin his clas for yers an he nevar moved any more or mutard at all. his face got to lokin prety bad so we stoped lookin at im.

i was sad becuase he wasnt syain 'nrbm mbl nrmrmr' any moar. so for the whoal clas thared be nothign to lisen to until soboddy hadda go an started up with the 'drip... drip... drip...'.

i liked taht class.

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