February 28, 2005

remrakable cultoral inovations reveled

"Our challenge is to teach others that every animal we intend to eat or use is a complex individual..."

oh for fucks sake! theyre godamn animels.

February 27, 2005

'thakns spam!' sez wrold socilism

Oops! I screwed up a trackback to the Daily Ablution. If you're from there, please see this post for developments in early Soviet underwear studies which wholly vindicate Milne's touching defense of dear old Comrade Stalin.

it maks me pruod!

"Without SPAM we wouldn't have been able to feed our army."

Nikita Khrushchev

teh spam website is home to many fun fccts. sopme of em are in a iritatign catechistic fromat. they say teh bridish 'relished' spam in wwii. wel mabe tehy liked it betar then starving. mabe. by the way paul theroux made up taht bit abot spam tastin like people so no fare calin margret tacher a canibel.

oh an haile selassie visted teh spam plant in 1954. dude man. far out.

thost for teh day

anyboddy whod waer cuflinks wuld steal sheep.


but bowties are ok!

February 24, 2005

teh dacline of the west

thnaks to blahtterin bony ive lerned of the folwoing ghastly procedigns:

...it has been claimed the [twelve] nuns slept with a total of 43 men between them on the two-week trip...

wel i saw taht an my jaw just droped. its nothign short of obscene: if thares twelve of em then its not 'batween' is it? its 'among'! what teh hell is wrorng with thease ppl? are ther no stadnards at all any moar?

semingnly not.

teh alen alda thign

ok so ive gotan a flod of queries about whats whit teh alen adla thign an all. wel heres what hapand.

i was getin launch whit onea teh guys at wrok an for some reson he mentind alda. i boared so i was like 'fuck alda hes a malevolent bloodsucking assclown.'

so he says 'no way i like alda.'

an i says 'hes a facsist. a nazi to the bone. hed invade checkoslaviakia in a minute given halfa chnance. u can see it in his eys. hes hiltler reboarn!' an i was pokin him in teh sternum whit my fingner to clarify the point.

an this dudes like 'dude thats bulshit! he was on m*a*s*h!'

wel i awys culd take or leave that stupad tv show but evaryboddy else liked it so i didn wana be rude an say anythign bad abot it. so i just decked him.

February 23, 2005


alda: 'if you interrupt me again, cavett, i'll have your skull for an ashtray.'

if u we're alan alda u wuld:


free poalls from pollhost.com


expalianed heare.


i usuly try to stay out a polatics cuase whan i dont i usuly get arested. or worse. but thare coms a time when a man hasta stan up an be counted an for me tahat time has come.

please raed tihs patitien an siagn it if u fel u can do so in good ocnsciannce.

thakn u.

February 22, 2005

yeah i got ur 'pichers of bat.' ritaght herare kid!

serchin yaho fro 'pichers of bat' eh? u wnat pichaerd of batt? iuszat it?

oh ill give u pichars of baat til u howol for nmerrcy u li8tal vrerm6ign! u fkugher agerafrtin bugnhlooe arrashshoo! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!


krrghgh rgnnngnhgh arrrarararara fugmrg mrgrfrgr aaaaaaaaaaaaarr!!1!

another updat!

reder mod infroms abot house bat manegmant an otrey hatrye ofers insignts into life as a bat. i got som rely wierrd reders. wa hoo! i win!

consarvation news

teh sun fuses 584,000,000 tons of hydragan inta heliom evary second. now when u fuase hydregen its efectivly ireplacable caouse as i understand it its easy to go tewards teh midle of teh binding enargy curve but its a real pain in teh ass to get back to the ends. heliam is inert so its basicly useles crap. an thares a finiate amount of hydogen in teh naborhood so the suns basicly pisin away a nonrenewable resorc3e to no good purpoase taht i can thikn of. just wastin it.

furtharmore teh waste heat form the sun is balived to afect the earaths climate.

this isue needs to be adresed by the apropriate tranisnatinal body. we need a action plan and a timetabal an we need em now not later. ovarsight an planin an acountabilaty.


reder jake-the-peg shrewedly observs '99% of the Sun's heat is wasted. They should switch it off at night.' raeder philap sugests privetization. i thikn hes on the riaght track thare.


redar audrey hawtrey got it figard out: 'If the sun made effective use of solar panels it could do without nuclear power altogether.' see? u gota thikn otside tehb ox.

February 21, 2005

teh clowan of gluocester

i was four yers ol. thare was a headlin in teh botson golb one satidy: teh greate mechanical clowen of gloster! fifty feat tal! fun for teh whoal famely! they're was evan a picher. i wuldn shut up abot it so they took me to see.

thousens of peple were their milin aroun on teh grass. they had freid dough an coton candy an flags an penants an whatall. bands playin an litl kids pukin for joy. we wated in line for an hour an finly we got to see the clown close up. it moved slowly an bent at the waist. it lenad down an kids fed id icecream coans an candy aples. itd take the food in its hand bow poliately an eat.

it made no sound an we we're all in to much awe i thikn to make a sound oursalvces. u culd hear the wind an the ocean.

atlast it was my turn. i was tremblin i was so exited. i hald up my cotten candny to feed it. it rechaed down deliacately whith both hadns an picked up my mom whith teh left an my dad with the riaght. an smiled kindly at me as it ate em.

'i say its spinich an i say teh hell wiht it.'

u shuldnt et cranivors livers. wel arctic ones anyway. their fulla vitamen A whihcll make ur flesh fal off. the smyptoms are horable beyond balif (serously dont click the link if ur subject to nihgtmars or if u plan too eat today).

stoarge of viteman a in teh livar seems to be asocated whit adaptign to cold weather.

fat-slouble vitamins can be dangerus in generel but A is teh wrost.

February 18, 2005

hstory striaks again

so lucreztia borgia was etin diner whit some ambasader from wharever an she piosoned his sioup. so aftar about three sposnsful he keels ovar stone dead whit his face in his bowl. spalash! death ratle! scratch one abasseder.

an ms. borgia puts her hand delicaitely to her mouf an says 'golly. thats one fell soup!'

killer hisstory leson!

eskiamo ovar at evarythign reviwd notes teh folowing:

The Eagle hath the gift of Flight, the penguins the Boon of Waddling

waddling was a town in teh yeast midlands or some godawful murky place liek taht. an teh famous 'boon of waddling' was whan richerd 'lyalty binds me' iii grantad teh local monastary the right in porpatuity to grow haws. nothin to do whit pengiuns. i have no idea where this broad got tehpengion thign from.

good ol rick invented basedball to. heckj of a guy.

February 17, 2005

like wow

aristarchus of samos (~310 bc — ~230 bc) calulclated teh exact duratin of a day (34 35 36.00 hrs) to a hihg degre of certinty usign only primative eqipmnent (teh french didnt knwo the exact langth of a metre until ad 1795 so he was doin prety good).

he also inventad teh heliocentric model of teh soler systam but noboddy balieved him cause they we're all like 'yeah right! if teh earht were movign wed be swapt off in teh slipsteream!' good thinkin guys.


ok ive been geting static form some obsesive nitwit loner of a ankalbiter claimin my figure for teh langth of the day is wrorng. says its 24 hors not 34. yeah whatevar. he ofars no proaf. in any case teh lenght of the day in aristarchuses time may have bean diferent an whose bolg is this anyway urs or mine eh? in my apinian 34 is a resonable arpxopimation so go pound sand u nitpickin freak.

anothar update!

ok im getin tiard of this bozo. i just made it 35.00 an hancefoarth im gona ad anothar hour for evary spitsputterin hostile piece a crap emial i get about this isue which frankly im wery of discussin it. al im sayin is its my opinian thats how logn teh day is. surely we can ala garee taht everybodys got a right to a opinion cant we?

February 16, 2005

teh comon holiday of teh humankind — yes you!

north koraen funhog kim jong il is 63 yers old tody. he is repoarted to remain 'undefetable' an to retain his 'incomperable corage'. good to know.

Media reported the unseasonable blossoms of wild flowers, citing them as divine evidence that the nature was also celebrating the birthday, the "common holiday of the humankind." Around the country, exhibitions were held featuring Kimjongilia — a red flower cultivated to blossom around Kim's birthday.

hapy birfdy great leder.

killer nose/elk fact!

teh famos sixtenth century astromomer tycho brahe lost his nose in a sowrdfightan used a met5alic proshtesis tharefter. he glud it on. he also had a pet elk taht got dronk at a party an fel down teh stairs an died.

im not makin tihs stuff up. wuld i lie to you?

thease socalled authers

minor outbreak of hastility ovar at our asteemed coleage emereld bial (read em. their funy). someboddy pratending to be a lunatic says hes a 'auther'. yeah ive herd that befoar.

its a law of naiture taht anybody on teh net who claims hes a writar is a delusionel bucktothed cretin who wroks at wendys. an spneds half his tiame in chatroulms pratendin to be a 14 yr old japanease gilr. an stels wemens underware at teh laundrymat.

i saw some furtive squinty litl creap doin that once. true stoary! i wlaked right up 2 him an slaped im on the face whit my glove. an i siad 'uve nevar puslished a wrod in ur life u dalusinal bucktooth cretan'. he turnad whiat as a sheet an ran for it. teh poliace folowed the trail of puroloined brasiers an shot im dead.

(if hes a real writer hes stil dalusional but its a diferant delusion. but those cases are exctreamly rare. an those who aer only paretending to be lunatics pretanding to be authers probly steal mens undarwear instead. but they're teeth are usuly ok.)

February 14, 2005

a unwarthy chaep shot at our brethran to teh north

of bears an caneda hairy horton snigns.

he dosnt mention teh worst part. thare was a big scadnal a few yers back whan it came out that oen of thoase canadian nature tape compnyes was relesin tapes of ameracan bears insted. than it came out taht teh law requires only 35% genuin unionised canedian bear contant.

so they touhgened up the law but they stil cant figuar out how 2 tel the bers voices aprat. so they requiar em to have a mounty in teh recordang studio kepin a eye on thigns. this leves teh problam of ilegal unlicansed bears snekin in from norath dakoata an workin uner the table. its a holy mes an itll be yers before they straiten it out.

kiler hlpeful hosehold hint!

a mallats no good to crakc a eg. i gues u culd try a saw.

my uncal use to crack egs with malets. i stil remeber em draggin im outa teh grocery story frothin at teh muoth. he was ahed of his tiam.

February 11, 2005

a nihgt of terer

i dremd of teh clowans agian.

a clown whith his keen noase can trakc a sent for mials.

whan i was encarcarated there was a chainfenced pen fulla clowns. theyd be in there hoalin an barkin an weepin all hours of teh day an night. bashin against teh fence an snapin their dripin fangs. sometiams theyd be quiet an youd wlak by an theyd expload inta a franzy! 'yapyapyap! harrooo!' etc. whith their gliterin swivelin clowany eyes al buged out an lungin at ya.

fare done gime a turn it did.

an so teh night when i ascaped tehy found me misin an they let teh cloawns out. five mials acros teh mors behint me i culd here em comin. i ran an ran for hours but they ganed on me stedily. finly runin down a hilside i stombld an fel. i turnd an they're they were in the moanlight on teh crast of hte hill behind me lepin down the sloape like devils shiriekin an slaverin. they ware off their chains an i thot it msut be teh end of me. but stragengly they stremed on past an kept goin.

whan they were goan i made good my ascape. in the moarning a isolated farmin famly tok me in. the radio sadi a pack fo clowns had kilt an et a whoal famely at a loanly crosrods.

noboddy new what becaim of em. sometims i hear em stil.


teh notorias syndicalist agitater zerlesen allerts us to the mennace of teh kilar klowans form otter space! prety cool.

February 10, 2005

goud advice

ouyr reder Rob makes a good point:

I cut my thumb whilst carving a sculpture the other day, but I got away with it at the hospital by claiming to be a pervert.

u shuld always tel teh hospatal ppl ur a prevert. caues than theyl take u frist becos their thinking 'whoa cool a perevart! this ones gona be somethign interesin for a chagne!'

then of course its probably just some totly noromal head wuond. but there usuly prety nice abot it. teh anticepaetion alone britens up they're day.

killler fcatct!

u shuldnt eat grout. not evan if ur hugry. im not kidin.

February 09, 2005

im in troble here

i think my teath are groawin. holy crap.

iuts like there jsut getin biger an biggar. cant close my moath cose their like in teh way. big horable tothy thigns. holy crapola.

February 08, 2005

cureer optins

wana geta job bopin ppl with malets.


but their not hirin.

February 07, 2005

kilor feact!

pathageras wuldnt et beans!

he didnt like beans one damn bit. infact thers a terdition that he got kild cause he wuldnt run throgh a bean feild to escape his persuers.

whata bozo. i hoap that incident tot im a good lesson.


alert reder hobgobny says it was becas tehy thot beans loked like tentacles. and also that gas was sean as incompabible whit teh rapt contamplation of geomatry. 'teh music of hte sphears' indeed.

another update!

oops! turns out i red that wrogn. its 'testacles' not 'tenticles'.

kiler faact!

somtime aroun 1831 hte exploror john ross namd the boothia paninsuler after the gin distiler felix booth. bouth finansdb teh expadition. ros also fuond the norf magnatic poal whihc at taht time was on the boohtia pininsala.

that exebpadition was stukc their for fuor years! ros made his guys et fresh samlon an whatnot. some of em cmoplaind caose they figurd it was sapp they're strength an theyd be beter off eatin salt beef outa casks. but by a od coicadence they didnt get scurvy in spite a the diet. gee. go figure. spot a luck that!

February 05, 2005

eliat was rite

evary autumn in beaujolly when the treditional markating capmaingn is over teh forgs take al the vintners an put em in wicker cages an roast em. thats so the cropssll gro.

this ceramony has persisted wihtout altaretion since teh bronze age.


i frogot to mentoin teh main afect of this which is taht u end up whit a lto of rely clueles new trainee vintnars takin ovar evary year. the what u mihgt cal 'institutional memary' aruond them parts (oenologicly spekin) is nothin to wriat home abot.

my parsonal felin is pound shoulda popped elliot in a basket after he wroat teh waset land an broiled the poor fella good an toasty. the warld wulda been spared a few unspekable horrors that way.

February 04, 2005

prety pichers

reza masoudi:

ok teh short-depht-of-feld gimicks bean done on food befor but hey dael whit it (er dal whit it — hahaha!). i liek the prety colors. an im hugry.

oh looky! alaksa too!

bok globule!

a bok globule is a blob of glop in deap space.

some ppl are prety sure their turning into stars. but i dont fal for that kinda crap evar since i fond out the moon ladning was fake.

mianly its cool bacaues 'globule' is a cool wrod. espacialy if u repet it dogedly for abot ten hours.

abiguuos antacedent update!

its the globules that some ppl thikn are turnign into stars. their may be ppl who think tehy thamselvs are turning inta stras but i cant voch for taht.

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February 02, 2005

kiler entomology!

'aurora borealis' is darivd from teh wellknown palandroam:

'a roar, a bore, panama'.


its not a obalisk.

February 01, 2005

my acedemiac carrer. alas.

whan i was in grad schol my theseis was gona be about langauge. specificly the phanoumenon whare u prepeat a word agan an agian until it begins to seem arbatrery an stragne. wierds u rigight ouut!

the idea was to mesure quanitativly how logn it takes for that to hapen with difernt words. 'galoshes' for example turns wierd real real quick. but 'osprey' stays normel for longer than youd expect. also does it take logner or snorter if u say em out loud. an is it differant if youve got a dozan ppl chanting a word tagether in a groop.

if that aint a origanal contrabution to human knowlege im damned if i know waht is.

so i aplied for a reserch granat an i was havin visions of rooms ful of paid valunters sayin 'quack quack quakc' or 'catagory category catigory' oer an over for days on end. an me in a white coat presidin benignly over teh whole operation.

the grent came thruogh ok but teh truoble was i culdnt get any volanteers so i hada do all teh repeatin myself. so there i was walkin aroun campus sayin 'duodecimal duodecimal duodecimal' all the time. an after a whial aphasia kickd in. culdnt comunicate worth squat! an then the vertigo. real bad. in fact i endet up in hte hospitla an i culdnt even tell em what was wrogn. i was just kinda rolin aroun and garglin. nevar did finish teh thesis.

an thats how i gave up on teh life of hte mind an took up my presant ocupation.

update! jul 7 2005

...to repeat monotonously some common word, until the sound, by dint of frequent repetition, ceased to convey any idea whatever to the mind...

tahts from e.a. poe. 'beranice'. 1835. thanks to our interepid new reder dint! he also says 'Jane Austen also mentioned it somewhere but I can't remember the quote.' but jane ostan can bite my ass quite ferankley.

kiler fact!

on a flat planet calestial navagatin wuldnt work. wont wrok in space ether.


our reder projcet wanabe says im fulla crap on htis one an since he knoas math an i dont im figurin hes probly rite. so im waitin for him to explian whare i went wrong.


yeh teh moar i think abot this one hte more im canvinced im dead rong.

uptdate! gghgaaaaaaghgh!

no wait. im not al taht wrogn. an proj was jsut talkin abot paralax (e.g. imagine ur on a cartesian plane with the moon hangin 250000 miles above the origin) which is like duhhh. need some prety damn acurate insrumants 2 get much use outa that.

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